Every day I'm only more afraid yet I have no idea what I'm afraid of. Today was pleasant. Everyone was so kind. It was cloudy and windy, but with no chill in the air. I'm fond of that sort of weather. Everything was pleasant and I was rather content. So why was it that the whole time I felt so far away? It was a good day, I'm the confusing part.

I spent the past few hours cleaning my bedroom. It was (and half still is) a shameful mess. It's been a shameful mess for years. But I'm better now, or I'm supposed to be, and I want to fix it. I want to feel clean. But I'm afraid that even if the room were completely empty, the years behind me would still cling to the carpet and my mood wouldn't improve any. I've long spent my time in this room. It's a private place but not a happy one.

My next birthday, I'll be an 'adult'. This means freedom. This also scares me to death. There's a lot I'm going to do this year so I can get onto the right foot, sort of. Nothing will be enough to prepare me. I'm once again afraid. I was tempted to drink, but the cleaning kept me from it and I'd rather not have calories past midnight. I'm going to wash my hands. Today was a good day.